the blank canvas

sinking feeling

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 06:12:11 GMT

You're the direction I follow to get home, when I feel like I can't go on, you tell me to go. And it's like I can't feel a thing without you around. And don't mind me if I get weak in the knees, cause you have that effect on me... You do.

Everything you say, every time we kiss I can't think straight, but I'm okay. And I can't think of anybody else who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you. So please give me your hand. So please give me a lesson on how to steal, steal the heart as fast as you stole mine. I can't think of anybody else who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you..... <3

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Ian:I have one more thing to say.
Me: What?
Ian: You're beautiful Nicole... Life needs time to happen and someone will come sweep you off your feet just don't look so hard... Make him come to you not the other way around.
Me: I'm going to continue to argue against that... Because I'll never agree.
Ian: This isn't finished but... You do realize I know you better than you think.

But Dear God do I wish it were him sweeping me off of my feet. I hate being so irrevocably in love with a person that doesn't feel the same. A person that is looking for love everywhere but right in front of him. A person who doesn't realize that there isn't possibly any other person in this world better for him than I. I'm so irrevocably in love that I've let go of everything else that's made me happy and hopelessly devoted my time to him. And now I'm left with nothing.

:)

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 03:22:25 GMT

....Just a little taste of the CRAZY weekend I had. These are pictures of my best friend Amalia (who just came home from Radford for T-Giving Break!!) and I who went to a party her sister hosted called a "Blackout Party," we all wore black and had an awesome time. More updates later. :)

I could write it better than you could ever felt it

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:16:57 GMT

its official, i couldn't be any more head over heals.

self-portrait

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 04:15:05 GMT

Call me conceited but.... I really like this picture of myself.

we could write a bad romance

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 04:40:35 GMT

I want your love, I don’t wanna be friends.

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 15:32:21 GMT

i used to have a systematic way of carrying out my day. hit the snooze button twice and wake up just in time to preheat my car and jump in the shower. ipod is put on shuffle during my one hour drive to school. go to first class, normally skip the rest to go to ian's house to sit on the floor for an hour playing with his dogs while we wait for a batch of our favorite kind of cupcakes to bake in the oven. its a race to choose the best one, and i hang around long enough for chelsea to leave and for ian and i to plop onto seperate couches, each with a dog on our lap, and watch movies. friday, saturday, sunday...waitressing. it was a schedule i got so used to, and the i've grown to be familiar to ian's house and his character. but now i sleep in late for my 9 am's and only attend my afternoon classes, my daily commute has been cut to thirty minutes because recently my foot's gotten heavier. and i haven't gone to ian's in over a week. i miss rufus and poutin, and him giving me piggy back rides and going to parties on the weekends. i miss him. i hate how much influence he's made on me and how much i've incorporated him into my life. i hate how my focus has been changed and we don't see eye to eye. i wishhhh.

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:18:16 GMT

Yeah he's a looker, but I really think it's guts that matter most. I displayed them for you, strewn out about from coast to coast.

this can't be happening

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 06:28:39 GMT

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs speak no feeling. no, I don't believe you, you don't care a bit.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:50:23 GMT

Me: Can I drop out of college now and do what I want pleaseee?
You: Go for it .
Me: There are other things I'd rather be doing, but what I want can wait.
You: What do you want?
Me: I want to learn how to sail and get my own boat, and just live on it and go from port to port and take pictures of the world.
You: Interesting.
Me: Kindof.
You: Well, I think it is.
Me: Well I definetely think so too, but its just..out there. And probably not going to happen until after I grow old.
You: Well grow old faster.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 01:04:15 GMT

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed, sing like bird, dizzy in my head, spin like a record crazy on a Sunday night. You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe, shine like gold, buzz like a bee, just the thought of you can drive me wild. Oh, you make me smile. I don't know how I lived without you, cause everytime that I get around you, I see the best of me inside your eyes. :)

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 06:10:06 GMT

i'm hopelessly hopeful, you're just hopeless enough.

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 03:48:16 GMT

i suddenly realized how sad i am that i don't drive only four minutes to get to school to see warren's skeptical face and immediately merge into a room with running water, the smell of sulfur and an enlarger waiting to see what i'll create next.

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 23:10:17 GMT

if i woke up next to you.

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 06:08:46 GMT

i've found that one moment of pure bliss i've been looking for. after hours of waitressing and anticipating, i drive a handful of miles, hug a couple of strangers and lean on a few cars and finally in the passenger seat of a car who's color matches my eyes. The road ahead of me is clearly winding but i watch the gas gauge move up into 80 mph and I'm not clutching the side of my seat, no, I'm absolutely thrilled. I'm secretly proud of myself how much I've changed and grown. I've met new friends and they've changed me in the absolute best way. The ride ends at an unfamiliar park, barely lit. i learned i can't seesaw, my balance is terrible, jungle gyms are dangerous, my kids will be deformed, and that i have made a great great new friend. i'm thrilled. i'm not the person i thought i'd be. i've gone on such a huge journey in just three months. my new friends have molded me into a better person than i have before.this moment at the park was so perfect and happy. i couldn't stand straight on the balance beam worth a damn but i was laughing and happy and forgot about every other thing that could be on my mind. it was only me and my friend and the night. we can act like we're five and it's great. i didn't think i'd find myself this happy.

suga how'd you get so fly

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 03:39:09 GMT

call me crazy but i love the way you were designed
a smile like yours in this world is difficult to find
don't second guess you spend every minute on my mind
because since i've met you my priorities are re aligned

with this new beginning i have no need to rewind
i can move on, leave those sad days behind
my once lonely heart has been reassigned
to a new pair of blue eyes so incredibly kind

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:57:21 GMT

i've got my sleeves rolled up and books laid out. as if i'm really going to study. facebook is the devil and so is caffiene. it truly surprises me how i can stay up so late at night, but accomplish nearly nothing. it also surprises me that i've maintained such a good grade point average. that proves to people who don't believe that there IS a God. plus many other things. the good outweighs the bad and if i had to exlude the low moments, i would tell you that life is great. optimism, je t'aime.

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 02:33:00 GMT

Doing everything by halves, you got a real flair with excuses. Meeting someone at the bar, where loose ends still have uses. It's complicated. This time I think it could be triangulated, it could be just what we need. So what you say, we give it up and walk away? We're overrated, anyway. We're kissing without kissing, we've got it down to a fine art. Love's supposed to keep you young and frisky, but we grew up and wide apart. Not now, not ever, no… it's never a good time. How will the good times ever roll on? Comparing photos then and now, now and then. Just wondering… where it all went wrong.

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 03:39:33 GMT

I'll tell you flat out, it hurts so much to think of this. So, from my thoughts I will exclude the very thing that I hate more than everything is the way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods. I've thrown away so many things that could've been much more, and I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored. But that's not the way it works. When I go down, I go down hard. And I take everything I've learned and teach myself some disregard. When I go down, it hurts to hit the bottom. And of the things that got me there, I think, if only I had fought them. If and when I can clear myself of this clouded mind I'll watch myself settle down into a place where peace can search me out and find that I'm so ready to be found.

I've thrown away the hope I had in friendships. I've thrown away so many things that could have been much more. I've thrown away the secret to find an end to this. Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands; while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me. Then and there, I confess, I'll blame all this on my selfishness. Yet you love me, and that consumes me. And I'll stand up again, and do so willingly. You give me hope, and hope it gives me life. You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light. As I exhale, I hear your voice. And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise. And from my lips the words I choose to say seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise. Because I love you. Oh God, I love you. And life is now worth living if only because of you. And when they say that I'm dead and gone, it won't be further from the truth.

When I go down, I lift my eyes to you. I won't look very far cause you'll be there with open arms to lift me up again.

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 02:44:33 GMT

1. Every time I see the big dipper,
2. When I encounter a crashing wave,
3. When I eat chocolate ice cream,
4. When my car smells,
5. When my hair is curled,
6. Whenever I have to bleach my white shorts
7. When I hear "Crash Into Me," and 22594870 other songs because everything reminds me of you,
8. When I dance to G.Love or drive with my windows down to "Float On,"
9. Every day that your brother drives your truck past me with the VMI sticker on the back window,
10. When I think of where all my time went this summer,
11. When I drink mountain dew,
12. On the days that I take Seaside Road to get home,
13. When I sit on the dock at Tower Hill and just cry,
14. Whenever I hear someone say "Faggot Bitch,"
15. Everytime someone mentions the Marine Corps
16. When I'm in Biology and have nothing better to do,
17. When I smile and see the scar on my bottom lip,
18. When I'm drunk,
19. When I twist the ring on my finger, and
20. When I say or hear the words, "wonderful" or "ridiculous,"
21. Every time I look at my eyes and remember that they look just like yours...

I think of you.

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 00:11:37 GMT

i've come to the conclusion that i'm really where i need to be.
sitting on railroad tracks watching the sunset with a camera in hand...i couldn't be any more relieved.

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 03:13:47 GMT

the rest of my year at college is totally paid for; and the leftovers of the financial aid that i didn't use on tuition...is being sent to me in a check next month. life is good. october 3 i visit the univeristy of virginia and james madison university..figuring out where i'm transferring to. money's tight so i gotta start working on scholarships.i turn eighteen in seven days. getting a credit card and switching to my own phone account and getting an enV. once again, life is good. what's not good? all of my friends are gone and far away and this is the most pivotal birthday of my year. also not good. clay is coming home from vmi on my birthday. chances are i'll see him...which is going to be so painful because i already know he most likely forgot my birth date and even if he remembered it; it's not going to be of any significance to him. i still think of him and it hurts but hey..i guess i'm just giong to have to get over it. i'm eighteen, it's time to grow up. not sure if i'm ready. school's okay; got a 100 on my first test. yay ambition. goal : get a 4.0. i want to be in hatteras. i want to be on a back porch with a blunt hanging from my mouth. i want to my face to be forever masked by a camera. eyes as lenses. can my perfect future just afrrive? a beautiful loft over the busy city with brick walls covered in frames and cold mornings with a cup of tea in my hands. i want tto just grow up and take it in.

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 04:08:46 GMT

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me. I can take a few tears now and then and just let em out. I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though goin' on with you gone still upsets me. There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay, but that's not what gets me. What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say, and watching you walk away. And never knowing what could've been, and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do. It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go... But I'm doing it. It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone. Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret. But I know if I could do it over, I would trade, or give away all the words that I saved in my heart, that I left unspoken.

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 16:22:41 GMT

wow, i'm just making this harder for myself.

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 18:46:20 GMT

i never saw myself as the girl who ate lunch alone in her car. or the one who took the easy way and lived at home for an extra year. i never thought i'd be the person who'd fall in love and get her heart broken all in one summer. i never thought i'd be miserable at seventeen. i never thought i'd be the person who couldn't decide upon her future nor any other factor in her life. i never thought i'd have to rely on my parents. by eighteen, one would assume they'd be independent and carefreely enjoying life. that big birthday is rolling around the corner for me, a day i'll most likely celebrate in solitude, because I feel if i haven't become the well-rounded person i longed to be by now...i don't deserve happiness. it breaks my heart that it was always so hard for me to fall in love, and once that i did, i realized to late that he wasn't here to stay. it's a shame. i wish i could just grow up and get over this.

it's beginning to get to me

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 03:17:07 GMT

I find the map and draw a straight line over rivers, farms, and state lines. The distance from 'A' to where you'd be...It's only finger-lengths that I see. I touch the place where I'd find your face. My finger in creases of distant dark places.

Your words in my memory are like music to me.

I'm miles from where you are, I lay down on the cold ground. I pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms. We'd share each other like an island until exhausted, close our eyelids. And dreaming, pick up from the last place we left off. Your soft skin is weeping a joy you can't keep in.

That's all I find myself doing at night, dreaming about us. About us after you left. About us when you come back and everything goes back to normal. May I re-iterate myself, these are my dreams. As much as I hope and pray and wish on everything shooting star or eyelash on my cheek, we will still cease to exist as mutual love when you return in three more months. I can't even pretend I'm angry with you over some of the decisions you've made lately. Some understandable, some irrational and selfish and lazy. But we all have those moments. I forgive you. I know deep down you have that same heart you had just a few weeks ago. I just need to keep praying and working on my own self until it emerges from you and you realize and analyze the situation. And perhaps we'll be friends. And even better, I hope we can be more than that, again.